What I want to share, is things I learnt from the process.

WHO ARE YOU: I wanted to simply pay her off, just to get her out of my life and avoid a court process. At the same time, I want to be brave and stand up to bullies. I want my children to be brave and to see bravery. So, finding it very hard (and pushed by my partner), I did not settle, cancelled mediation and let it go to a judge to decide. The decision to be ‘x’ becomes part of your character, how you and others see you, which will feed into your self-confidence and self-esteem. At Brixton Hypnotherapy, building back or up for the first time, self-esteem is most of my work.

BE ADULT: I had to spend hours compiling evidence in the way the court requested. This was ‘done’ to me’ and it was hours of not earning, not being with my children or partner, not volunteering, etc.  I resented this hugely, so I then stuck my head in the sand and ignored it completely. Only on the day of the hearing did I phone a lawyer friend who told me exactly what to say. How interesting that I didn’t phone the lawyer earlier! How ridiculous that we will go from intensely obsessing about ‘x’ to intensely avoiding it! In hindsight, I should’ve faced my responsibilities, been resourceful and acted more adult.

BE CALM: When your body is in a state of flight, bringing breath as far down as possible and installing a regular breathing pattern is crucial. I couldn’t get rid of the nerves/fright but I could ease it with deep breathing. In court, the woman acted smug and forceful. In contrast, I was humble and apologetic, but firm and calm.

BE PRESENT: When you are in stress, you miss signals, react badly and lack authenticity. To bring yourself into the present, ask yourself what you see, hear, touch, taste and smell. By noticing how your body is receiving external stimuli, you stay rooted.

BE COMPASSIONATE: It is hard, but remember the awful place they are in to act that way. Their actions are always from a place of suffering and a result of deep hurt. Anyone trapped in spirals of negative energy is not having a great life and apart from feeling sorry for them, you don’t want to spin a negative energy spiral around yourself.

LETTING GO: After the court, I couldn’t stop thinking about her and the event. There is an element of processing here, where you just have to let your mind form a post-narrative. But I was stuck with it, I wasn’t eating or sleeping well even though ‘the event’ was over. By complete chance, I had a massage with a ‘closet’ healer. She worked on my stomach which hurt under her touch. But as it softened, I felt the ‘incident’ leave my body.

BE CAREFUL: The obvious thing, after an event like this, is a vow to be more careful; to vet people better, to be less trusting, more suspicious and more diligent, e.g. with references. But actually, what I’m being careful about, is NOT becoming like this! If I’m more wary, less trusting, I will only limit my enjoyment of people and random experiences in life. For this one bad experience, I’ve had a thousand great experiences of kind, loving, generous and trusting strangers as well as friends and family. So, I want to continue being trusting, open, kind and loving – because if she took that away from me, she will win something far more valuable than the thousands she tried extorting!

The post Life lessons in tough times… appeared first on Brixton Hypnotherapy.

As a hypnotherapist, or any therapist for that matter, you’d think I would know better than to spend so long in denial. It turns out iIm prone to procrastination like everyone else!

And so today, I let someone talk me through ‘his services’ and, no wonder I spent ten years avoiding this meeting because my hour went something like this.

Fear of dying.

Fear of girls surviving.

Fear of being left ‘single’ with young kids.

Fear of their future.

Fear of not leaving them enough money.

As he talked in a language of ‘what if’ and ‘just suppose’ and ‘imagine if’, I made myself listen to him, but I noticed how my body reacted.

FEAR. PANIC. ANXIETY. It was like rolling waves, one crashing in after another.

Lawyer: ‘Without a will, your children would go into care for months before they appointed guardians’.

This alarm siren went straight to my jaw and teeth. Clenched to hurting.

Lawyer: ‘The life insurance he has, is taxed as income so you’d only get half.’

I felt panic constrict my throat. Anxiety like a steel ball in my chest.

‘Your accounts are frozen, so if one of you died, the other can’t access the money for months.’

A tingling in my stomach. My face was now hot, my palms clammy. My breathing was  short, fast.

While my brain registered the ‘information’ and tried to process calmly, my  body picked up stress signals of fear.

You are scared, I told myself. You are afraid. You are frightened, that is how what he says makes you feel.

My body relaxed a little. Just noticing and naming it, helped. I’ve taught so many clients at Brixton Hypnotherapy to do just this. Without moving, avoiding, ignoring; just name it.

As he spoke, my brain used rationality to control fear, for e.g. ‘it’s his job to scare you, he’ll want to maximise the services you buy’ but my body wasn’t on board, so I decided to calm it. I uncrossed my legs, I planted my feet on the ground, placed my hands in my lap and I breathed slowly as I noticed and named my feelings. I feel fear in my lower stomach. I am scared.

My body calmed, my brain continued to go off-piste on some rant about industries built on fear and anxiety.  To prove myself right, I counted them up in his language. The ‘just suppose’ and ‘if’ etc. that profits multi-billion dollar insurance industries. What I was actually doing was erecting an emotional shield between him and me.

I had to have the session, but I also had to control the impact it had on me. We are wired to respond to signals of fear and that is a good thing, and having anxiety or feeling a little anxious isn’t a bad thing either; it can be a great motivator. But we have to be in control of them and not let them control us.

Hypnotherapy offers tools, techniques, exercises and strategies to examine your triggers and how best to avoid or eradicate them. Fear is part of our daily life and that is okay. We can accept it and accommodate is, so long as we are not being overwhelmed by it to the point it is negatively affecting our lives.

The post When fear comes knocking appeared first on Brixton Hypnotherapy.